Being Lead

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I belong to several grieving mom groups And each and every time I see the pain spread across the screens it pains my heart. I want to hug each of you and carry you through this, but distance and time sometimes gets in my way. But every now and then I’m able to see exactly where God needs me to respond and if I’m willing to listen to the Holy Spirit, and allowing Him to lead me, beautiful things happen.

We came home late last night after a fun family game night. The guys were not gentlemen and ganged up against us Ladies in Pictionary. 😂

So after a long hot bath and unable to fall asleep, I opened up FaceBook and the first post belonged to a grieving mother in one of my groups. And I saw the pain all over the screen, my heart was compelled to comment.

I lost Talon and Emma Grace in a different world, a world that didn’t know social media or could quickly connect to some of the most amazing families I’ve ever met. So truth wasn’t spoken often to me, and my blinded grieving heart need truth. I needed others to climb down my dark hole and to hold me. I needed to feel the love of Christ in others, because I was hurting and in so much pain. But I felt so ashamed of my pain and inability to carry my Cross. I held in my pain and masked it a lot of times for the world to not see because I felt shame and did not want to burden others. Unfortunately those close to me watched the real grieving me crying myself to sleep. Screaming in pain in the shower as I let it all out. My husband has had to pick me up off of the bathroom floor and place me in bed because I just couldn’t physically get up. But it was hidden. I hid. Out of fear, out of Pride most of the time. I wanted to be able to carry my Cross, but I really wasn’t very good at it. I needed others to help me carry my Cross.

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Social Media has its good and bad parts, but for grieving families, it has allowed others to connect with other grieving families. Most women groups I see on here, and by being in a safe place to share amongst other who understand it allows us to be vulnerable and expose our wounds. To say things we may never say in public. It’s in these moments when we can be Christ and offer words of comfort. Sometimes it can validate others pain by simply saying “me too” and you can literally hold others and carry others with your words. Carrying each other’s Cross even if it’s just for a little while, so they can rest.

Below is what I wrote to her, and I hope maybe someone else will need to hear this truth speak to their darkness, because I needed truth spoken to mine when I could not see my way through the darkness I needed a light beam. I hope this May illuminate your path today!

To my grieving friend,

A wise spiritual director told me once that our hearts and our heads will never be in sync until we get to heaven. It took me a long time to process what that meant. Burying 2 children and suffering a late First trimester miscarriage, and having secondary infertility nearly suffocated my soul. Darkness was a reality. I didn’t understand what he meant because our faith at the time couldn’t make sense. It’s taken a lot of hard questions. Pleading with God for answers to understand any of it. A lot of misunderstanding and being misunderstood. The hardest part was remaining faithful to God and accepting our reality. I know right now you can’t see past the hurt. I do however believe that through it all when I thought God was the furthest from me, when I finally could see, I realized He was right beside me crying with me. He is a good Father. Even though my story was filled with suffering, feeling like my hand was just a bad deck dealt, feeling like I was forsaken, and looked over. Feeling like my trust was overlooked and unwanted. Felt unworthy of goodness. Felt unloved and unloveable. I felt crazy for feeling so much and for not accepting His plan. I was everything your saying. It was hard. Unwanted. Painful. Dark and gloom. For 7 years I remained in my dark hole. My marriage suffered. I almost lost my sanity. And I threw darts at every moving target. My family walked on eggshells. They desired me to be healed and I desired them to just understand something no one had the capacity to understand unless they lived it. i felt alone. Isolated and in desolation. I wanted someone to tell me I get it. I understand and yet no one could.

You are not alone. You are understood. You are loved. You are His beloved. And one day, I pray you will feel the love everyone has and is praying for you.

I see you. All of the posts you post. Your heart is hurting and we understand. No one can sit in the idea that it is easy. Wanted or deserved. God is good and only wills goodness for you. It took me a long time to even think this was possible for me. I despised everyone who made an attempt to try and talk me off of that ledge. I’ve carried the Cross time and time again. As heavy as it was. As much as I’ve hated it. And time and time again people met me in my suffering offering help to carry it as I stumbled and fell. Sometime I rejected their help. Failed to tell them thank you for taking that step with me. I’ve hurt people that have sincerely tried to walk with me. Not because I wanted to but because I hurt too and I didn’t know how to respond to their kindness. Sometimes our pain is too much to bear for ourselves and others so instead we reject everyone around us.

The reality of my story is yes I want a baby. I would make an incredible mother. I would raise my child to love God. To know God and to serve God. And yet. 7 years after my last miscarriage. After burying two children. 2 surgeries. 3 specialists. I’m lucky enough to have 1 child that survived. But I still suffer the deepest parts of my hearts from losing Talon at 15 days old. Emma Grace at 3 years 11 months old. And a 11 week miscarriage. I still am sad that I can not get pregnant again after my last miscarriage. And I still yearn to be given another blessing. To be facing 40 with the idea that my fertility is growing obsolete is a reality.

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. You are seen and heard and are being prayed for and loved on. Even when we feel like there could possibly be no one that understands. There are women who do.

As hard as it is. Try to take this all to adoration and write a letter to God and tell Him your heart. I’ve been so mean to God and yet when I was honest in how I felt and laid it at the foot of His Cross He began to speak to my heart.

There is a possibility of the light shattering the dark. But I do believe sometimes it takes us taking that first step on the tight rope blind and most of the time unwilling to see where He takes us. God is good. Even when we can not see it. Even when we reject Him. Even when we see all dark. He is there waiting for us to hand Him the key to our heart. Our suffering is the lens that allows us to see 20/20. But if you are like me. It will take several trips to the Divine Physician and surrendering to make sense of any of it.

I’m praying for you. And I know all of the ladies here are too.

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