Glory to the Light of the World
As the end of this unsettling year comes to a close, we begin a new liturgical year with the celebration of Advent, a season of watchful preparation for the coming of Jesus. We eagerly start the countdown of the last month of the Blessed Mother’s pregnancy, filled with hope, peace, joy, and love. But as for myself, I was lacking these virtues as I tried to sort out and overcome my internal struggles.
If life had gone according to my will, this was to be Vivienne’s first Christmas. I would get to take her for a trip to see Santa. I would get to fill her stocking with tinker toys. I would get to hold her and hear her laugh and squeal as Genevieve sings carols and dances before her. I would get to see her eyes widen with delight when we first light the tree. But this wasn’t to be. My life went according to God’s will. I go on trips to the cemetery to be near her, instead of visiting Santa with her. I hang her stocking next to ours, but it stays empty on Christmas morning. Instead of her resting in my arms, her body forever lies in the lace arms of my bridal gown that I dressed her in before her burial. What I do have is the vision of her joyful face as she laughs and gazes upon the smiling holy face of Jesus. My baby girl is already basking in the light of the world, the ultimate goal for each of us.
The sorrows of what I am missing in this world placed a cloud over my heart and mind these last few weeks. Prayer was difficult for me to sustain. My vocations of marriage and motherhood were suffering because I could not put time and energy into my relationship with God. The vices of impatience, anger, and spiritual laziness were invading my life while anxieties and worry were disturbing my peace.
Fueled with the sacraments, I was able to have alone time after the house went to sleep this first Sunday night of Advent. I began my prayers and scripture meditation with lighting a candle, as done when I attend Monday night “Come, Lord Jesus!” bible study sessions. This is to represent the Divine Presence of Jesus. As my night was coming to an end, I pondered all of the things I don’t like in myself; the things which aren’t holy and which don't resemble Jesus. I asked the Lord to take my impatience, my temper, my uncharitable thoughts and words, my insecurities as a wife and mother...and empty them from my cup. I asked for strength and perseverance to fill my cup with all things good...humility, patience, meekness, kindness.
As I threw these prayers to heaven I was gazing at my candle. The wick was slightly bent, which led to the right rim of the candle melting nearly completely, only the outermost layer of wax remained upright. The left rim was still thick because it was further from the flame. In a daze I touched each side of the candle. With a little pressure the cooler side of the candle began to bend to my touch, but the right side standing nearer to the flame began to shift the instant it came into contact with my fingertip.
I thought of our resemblance to the candles. The closer we are to the flame, the light of Christ, the easier it is for the Lord to transform us. The more we submit to God’s will, the easier it is for us to be molded into the likeness of His very being. Into something all good and loving. In contrast, the further we are from the flame the harder our hearts become. I realize now that in my grief I began pulling myself away from the blaze. I kept looking inward and focusing on the struggles of this life. I took my eyes off of Heaven and the beatific vision.
As we continue into the Advent season, I am determined to keep the dust off my armor and walk through the trials of this life, and I hope you will too. As we light our candles each night, let us pray for Jesus' second coming. Let us give glory to the light of the world this season and thereafter. In doing this, I pray God will accept me into the kingdom of Heaven. Where Vivienne will get to witness my own eyes widen with delight upon seeing the Light of the World.
Happy Advent and Merry Christmas to all.