Surviving Mother’s Day

“Can a mother forget her infant, be without tenderness for the child of her womb?”  Isaiah 49:15

For those of us who have lost a child, navigating the tender terrain of Mother’s Day can be very painful. Mother's Day was designed to celebrate — but for mothers who have buried a child, or lost a child they did not get to bury, it can feel like reopening a wound. We are here to remind you, even if no one else does:

You are a mother. You are still your child’s mother. Nothing will ever change that. 

We live in a world that wants to make celebrations shiny and instagram-worthy. There is more pressure than ever on women and our families to “put on a good show”. We are here to give you permission to not do that. What if this Mother’s Day you didn’t have to pretend? What if you could feel exactly what you feel and need exactly what you need, even if you don’t know what that is?

There are so many possible pain points on this day. Women who are missing their own mothers. Women who have a complicated or estranged relationship with their living mothers. Women who want to be mothers and cannot conceive. Mothers whose only children are in Heaven. Mothers whose children were never held or named or buried. Mothers whose children died. Mothers who don’t know how to celebrate motherhood when it brings both joy and pain.

There are minefields on Mother’s Day. The shiny, happy invitation to “Have a Happy Mother’s Day”, greetings tossed freely from friend and stranger that miss the mark. The cards that don’t come. The names that aren’t said. The “perfect families” who have all of their children with them. The priest who invites you to stand for a blessing not knowing that your heart is shattered. You may be wondering, “Where is my place in the church today? Will my kind of motherhood be honored?”

The reality is, we live with one foot on earth and one in Heaven. That is no easy task. Carrying our grief is hard enough but navigating Hallmark Holidays with the pressure to show up or be happy is so heavy. At Red Bird, we want to give you a permission slip.

It's okay to mute social media for the day.

It's okay to decline gatherings that feel unbearable.

It's okay to ask your parish priest to acknowledge bereaved mothers at Mass.

It’s okay to have an "exit plan" for hard moments. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.

Some practical suggestions:

1. Think it through:  Prepare for Mother’s Day ahead of time, at least in your head and heart. Give yourself permission to feel or need whatever you need.  Communicate ahead of time with your husband or other family members about what you can or can’t do. . 

2. Be intentional about honoring your child even if no one else does, rather than letting the day happen to you. Your child is real. Your motherhood is real. No one can take that away from you.

3. Protect your heart:  What do you need? What do you not need? What can you do or not do that will bring you comfort and honor your motherhood? Try not to judge your grief.  You aren’t over-reacting.  It hurts this much. 

4. Balance the joy of your living children and your child’s life with the grief for those gone. Acknowledge that it is complex to hold both joy and grief, and love for all. There is no guilt here. You are human. It is right to be devastated that you cannot be with all your children today.

5. Talk to your living children. It can be helpful to prepare your living children ahead of Mother’s Day so they know it may be a sad day for you. They will want to try and make you happy and it can help for them to be reminded that your tears are not their fault.

What if your only child or children are in Heaven?

You are still a mother.  Just as God gives us our identity as His beloved daughter at the moment of our creation, you became a mother at the moment your child was created in your womb. It doesn’t matter how long he or she was alive in your womb or alive on this earth. You are a mother. This is an invisible, indelible, irrevocable identity embedded in your soul. No one can take it away from you. Mother’s Day is still for you, however you want to honor your motherhood. You are a mother.

A special word if this is your first Mother’s Day without your child:

We are so terribly sorry that your child died. If this was your first pregnancy, you may have awaiting this momentous occasion. We honor and recognize that you are a mother, but this day no longer looks anything like you wanted it to. If this is your first Mother’s Day without your child, expect for the day to hurt. Expect for your grief to be worse. We invite you to lower the bar entirely. It is okay if survival is the goal. It is okay if escaping the day is the goal. This is one of the hardest days in the year for a bereaved mother. You don’t have to be hopeful that your child is in Heaven or hopeful that you will be pregnant again or grateful that you could get pregnant or grateful for your other children. You can just be however you need to be.

Finally, think about how you would like to honor your motherhood or remember your child.

You don’t have to have a public celebration to honor your motherhood or remember your child. There are many private, personal ways to connect with your precious child on Mother’s Day.

• Light a candle at Mass or at home

• Visit their grave or a place that holds meaning

• Commission a Mass intention in your child's name

• Plant something — a flower, a garden, a tree

• Create something beautiful in honor of your child

• Write a letter to your child

• Look at photos, say their name out loud

• Make or eat something they loved (for older children)

However you choose to spend the second Sunday in May, know that you are seen, known, and loved. Your child and your love for him or her is eternal. We pray every good thing for you as you mourn and love. Peace to you, dear mother.