A Silent Cross: Dads Grieve Too
Dads grieve too. This may seem obvious, but statistics consistently show more women seek grief support than men. Even here at Red Bird, our Mothers of Loss group on the app has 400 members versus only 50 in the Fathers of Loss group. Men often seem less emotional than women after experiencing loss and may return to “normal” life more quickly. It would be easy for many of us to assume that fathers don’t grieve as much as mothers, but we would be wrong.
A Silent Cross
Although men and women grieve differently, a father’s grief is just as important and just as heavy. While a mother’s grief is shaped by her maternity, even if her child dies well into adulthood, a father’s grief is shaped by his role as protector and provider.
A father who has worked tirelessly to protect and defend his family may feel not just the grief of his child’s death, but a sense of failure that he couldn’t protect his marriage and family from this loss. While it is not reality, the feeling may be just as real as a woman who blames her own body for a miscarriage. A feeling of powerlessness and failure is an added weight of grief for many men.
In addition, many men aren’t comfortable with the level of vulnerability needed to process grief and may not have a safe outlet to do so. Intense feelings of despair, sadness, and loss may be hard to express and a husband may be reluctant to share his grief with his wife who is already struggling with her own pain. Many fathers don’t have a community of men with whom they can share deep feelings, much less a group that will understand the depth of suffering after the death of a child.
A Father’s Heart
A man needs to feel understood and validated in his grief, but often well-meaning family and friends only ask about the mother. It is understood that a mother will be crushed after the death of a child, but often a father feels he is meant to be strong.
King David gives us a great example of the heart of a father who allowed himself to break down in his grief. After the death of his son, 2 Samuel 19:1 relays the depths of David’s broken heart:
“The king was shaken, and went up to the room over the city gate and wept. He said as he wept, “My son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom! If only I had died instead of you, Absalom, my son, my son!” - 2 Samuel 19:1
Every father needs to be able to fully feel and express the depths of his sorrow over the loss of his child like King David. But even when a man is able to do that, he often still feels the need to do it alone. It takes courage to find support and community in grief, two components of almost every healing journey.
A Home for your Grief
Red Bird Ministries is here to provide a community for grieving fathers to come as you are and know that another man understands and has been there. Authentic brotherhood is a healing balm to a father’s grieving heart. Men can give each other courage to name the extraordinary suffering of the silent cross they carry and to bring their broken father’s heart to the heart of the Father.
Other grieving fathers understand that your fatherhood took a hit and that surviving this grief is one of the hardest things you will ever do:
That you aren’t sure what kind of dad you are after your child died.
That you may need to reorient your life around the enormous presence of your child’s loss.
That you feel like there is no room for your grief sometimes because your wife is always so sad.
That you don’t know how to support her and share your feelings.
That you miss your child just as much as she does even if you show it in different ways.
That there is nothing you wouldn’t do to take away the pain that lives in your family now.
That sometimes you doubt life will ever be good again.
We see you, grieving father. We love you and you are not alone. We see the silent, extraordinarily heavy cross you carry. We pray that you will connect with other courageous and vulnerable fathers here in the Red Bird community for friendship, strength, and support and together come to the foot of the cross. Your broken, restored fatherhood is a gift to your wives, your family, and the world.
*Special Thanks to Brian Laspisa and Edward Luersman for their discussion on our recent podcast episode of It’s Not for Nothing that shaped this essay.
