Trauma & Grief
As a society, we have a growing understanding of the nature of trauma and the impact trauma has on the body, mind, and spirit. The death of a child is always traumatic. Even if you are anticipating your child’s death and are able to plan for a holy death and be present with your child, the death of a child is not the natural order of life. “Traumatic” is defined as emotionally disturbing or distressing.
Child loss definitely qualifies.
However, there is no denying that the manner in which some children die is more devastating and traumatic than others. Any sudden or unexpected death, a tragic accident, suicide, or an event involving intentional or unintentional violence or bodily injury will likely leave a parent deeply traumatized, in addition to the crushing grief of losing their child.
The term “traumatic bereavement” developed to describe “the unique experience of losing a significant other due to sudden, violent, or accidental means” (Raphael & Martinek, 1997; Stroebe, Schut, & Finkenauer, 2001). Parents who suffer through a traumatic bereavement have to cope with the trauma of the event in addition to the death of their child and the grieving process (Raphael & Martinek, 1997).
For many families at Red Bird, the painful journey after the death of your child is not just through grief, but through the aftermath of trauma.
Trauma prevents our bodies from distinguishing between memory and reality. When traumatic memories arise, our bodies react as though we were actually reliving that moment. If you lost your child in an unexpected traumatic way, you may have disturbing memories or images that remain stored in your body long after the death of your child. Flashbacks to your child’s death can trigger a trauma response in your body that can cause panic attacks, anxiety, stress, fear, trouble sleeping, loss of appetite, an inability to cope in certain situations, and the onset of health problems.
If you are experiencing traumatic bereavement, you have two painful roads in front of you: grieving the death of your child and healing from the trauma of their death.
While we will never “get over” the death of our child, we can heal from the trauma of his or her death. Here are a few suggestions for finding help and support to heal from the traumatic part of traumatic bereavement.
Find a good trauma therapist. Look for a licensed, professional counselor who also holds a certification in trauma, such as trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy or EMDR (eye-movement desensitization and reprocessing). These are both excellent modalities for healing from the trauma of your child’s death.
Find a safe space to process the events of your child’s death. The traumatic death of a child can involve many horrific and disturbing details that may be very painful to talk about, but you have lived through them and they live in your body. Finding a safe space or trusted person to share the reality of what you lived through can be very healing. Few people need to know the worst of what you have seen and heard, but it is also not healthy to allow those traumatic memories to remain locked away in isolation. Perhaps you can tell the whole story to a counselor, a priest, a trusted friend, or your spouse. You may, in time, feel relief by writing a trauma narrative with a therapist or with the Lord in adoration. The goal is not necessarily for anyone to read the details, but for the words and memories to move through your body. Here is an excellent podcast on the science of how repeatedly writing out a traumatic experience can bring great healing.
Engage in a restorative practice. The Lord made our bodies to heal, and He gives us the natural world to help that process. Studies show that mild, regular exercise outdoors is shown to reduce the symptoms of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) which is common in traumatic bereavement. Engaging your body in other ways such as stretching, dancing, singing, or playing an instrument can help make space for healing and re-establish a sense of safety in your body. Any form of creativity will engage your mind and body in a beneficial way.
Take it to Jesus. The Lord longs to heal you and your memories. Ask Jesus to help you heal from the painful images or sounds related to your child’s death. It may help to visualize the Lord with you during the traumatic event. Perhaps He stands between you and the painful image so that you see only the kindness of His face. Perhaps He stands beside you, wrapping you in His arms, to give you His strength to bear the unbearable. Ask the Lord what HE saw at the moment of your child’s death and what He wants you to remember.
Healing the trauma of your child’s death will not take away your grief, but it may allow you to enter more fully into mourning your child and help you learn to live with your loss in a way that, in time, life can be hopeful and meaningful again.
You are not alone as you journey through the wasteland of grief after your child’s death, but you aren’t alone in your trauma either. Schedule a comfort call for a safe space to share your story or come to a retreat to hear more from other men and women who are walking a similar path as you. Let us pray for you and with you on your healing journey.
To hear more about this topic, listen to our conversation on It’s Not for Nothing, Episode 37: Trauma & Grief.
