I Knew You

Two days after my son, Auggie, died, we walked into a parish filled with unfamiliar faces. I thought that I was safe from anyone knowing who I was and what I just endured two days earlier. As I sat in the back pew, with my knees to my chest and turned away from the crucifix, I thought I was safe from another dagger piercing my heart. “A Reading from the Book of Jeremiah...Before I formed you in the womb I knew you.” (Jeremiah 1:5)

The words pierced my heart like a dagger as I raced from the pew, out the door and threw myself onto the cold, snowy ground screaming in agony. I couldn’t believe this was the first reading, was this a twisted joke the Lord was playing on me? As I lay on the cold concrete, I screamed out to the Lord asking why my beautiful son was taken from this earth. I couldn’t imagine a life without Auggie’s laughter, but through that Scripture, the Lord was speaking into the depths of my heart. I wasn’t ready to listen then, but I am now.

Months after Auggie’s death, I opened a book, and the picture above fell out. It was of a little girl, full of joy and laughter, jumping off the diving board into her father’s arms. This little girl is placing all her trust in to her father, knowing that as she jumps into the deep end, he will be there to catch her. Every time I look at this picture, I reflect on Jeremiah 1:5. I see this little girl full of joy, laughter, and trust, and I am reminded that the Lord knew her before she was formed in the womb. He knew that years later this little girl would fall in love, get married, and welcome a sweet little boy into this world. He also knew that this sweet little girl, full of joy, laughter, and trust, would experience the heart-wrenching pain of losing a child. That not only would she welcome her son into this world, but she would say goodbye. He knew all of this before she was formed in the womb.

As I raced out of the church on January 30, 2022, and threw myself onto the cold ground, I couldn’t see the Lord’s love. I could only see a Lord who allowed my son to leave this earth far too soon. Then I saw this picture.

I saw myself trusting my earthly father to catch me as I jumped into the deep end. I am reminded as I look at this picture that even in the depths of losing Auggie, our heavenly Father is there to catch me. He knew that this moment would come before I was formed in the womb and was waiting for me to jump into his arms and trust in his goodness. I pray that as I carry this heavy cross of child loss, I may jump into my heavenly Father’s arms, trusting that he will catch me. “Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you.” Jeremiah 1:5