Grieving on the 4th of July

When my children were little, I loved buying them matching Fourth of July outfits from Old Navy.  Mom, Dad, and all the littles in cute little red, white, and blue t-shirts or a onesie for the youngest. We had a blissful ten years of picture-perfect Independence Day fireworks on the lawn by the lighthouse before death and divorce. 

There is no escaping the weight of grief and sorrow after the death of your child, but on those special days – the ones built around tradition and ritual and family – grief is heavier and harder. Holiday grief is complicated and contradictory. We want to celebrate and remember, and then we don’t. Proceeding with familiar celebrations brings the comfort of fond memories but often leaves us aching that there will be no more. I have spent years feeling my chest tighten when another family walks by in their coordinated 4th of July outfits. Once my son died, I stopped buying them since we would never all wear the same thing again.

Holiday celebrations easily provoke jealousy or resentment at families who still have the luxury of having all their children here on earth and don’t have to carry the crushing weight of grief. Hot dogs and fireworks are a lot more fun that way. When we are surrounded by an entire country who has the day off for family and festivities, it is easy to feel alone, invisible, or misunderstood.

If you are grieving on the 4th of July, we see you. 

We notice that you bravely accepted the BBQ invitation that you didn’t want to go to and your sister-in-law is still pregnant and no remembers that 19 months ago your child died. We are with you when you have to hide in the bathroom to cry or leave before the fireworks because you just can’t bring yourself to lie there on the blanket looking up at the colors when your child can’t see them too.  We know what it is like to watch the rockets launch into the sky and wish you too could soar into the night beyond the veil to where our loved ones rest with God. 

Wherever you are in your grief today, we invite you to:

1: Think it Through. What does July 4th bring up in your body, heart, and spirit? Are there particular memories associated with this holiday and your child that are hard? Are there traditions that are important to continue in your child’s memory or rituals that would feel good to let go? Do you long for distraction or more time to linger with your thoughts and feelings? 

2. Make Space for Grief.  Traditions and rituals can take up a lot of time. Try to make space to take care of yourself and your broken heart. Can you bring a red, white, and blue pinwheel to the cemetery or light sparklers at the grave? Maybe you can play a special song and allow yourself to remember the special memories with your child on the 4th of July? Is there a special dessert or meal that will bring comfort?

3: Practice radical acceptance.  Whatever you feel, whatever you need is just right. You don’t have to make excuses or give explanations.  Try not to make your grief worse by judging your feelings. “So this is what grief looks like today.”

Know that we are here with you as you remember and mourn your child this day and all days.